Easter fun for the whole family

Where do we get Easter from? Here's a theory:

Jesus was a good man. He led a pious and mostly peaceful life. I say mostly peaceful because tearing down stone buildings and starting revolutions is not exactly entirely peaceful. Anyway, he loved all things and all people. Too him all things of God's creation were sacred...except eggs. He hated eggs. No one was ever quite sure why. One theory is was that the egg represented a degree of separation from the birth mother and as you know Jesus was a bit of a mama's boy. I mean where do you think we get the phrase "Bad Egg" from? It's an insult. Like "you are the son of a motherless goat". So, eggs were forbidden and this caused the apostles much distress ("Lo, for our distress was much"- Luke 2:live). Some of them were farmers (a couple were doctors with access to drugs which may or may not have had some influence on their later writings) and as farmers they loved their eggs. Which is a little odd to me. I mean being apostles, you got to figure they were Pro-Life, but I guess that means Pro-Human-Life. All other species are on their own I guess. That doesn't really fit on a snappy bumper sticker though.

I digress.

So, eggs are evil, yada, yada, yada. Jesus tells people to be nice to each other, the Romans decide they've heard just about enough of that silly shit and nail him to a cross ("Lions or crucifixion? Very good. One cross each, line forms to the right").

At the wake, the apostles decide to have a feast and figures since Jesus is gone, some eggs wouldn't hurt. In fact, they pretty much have eggs with every meal over the next two days.

On the third morning, Peter is about to sit down to his breakfast when there is a knock on the door. He gets up and when he opens the door, there stands a young boy. The young boy says, "urgent message for you sir".

"Yes, what is it" says Peter.

"Jesus has come back from the dead"

"Jesus?" asks Peter. "Our Jesus?"

"Yes, are there any others?" asks the boy.

"Well, not yet," says Peter. "Well, this truly is a miracle!"

Then a sudden realization hits Peter and fills him with panic. He runs through the streets screaming, "Jesus has arisen, he is returned. Quick! HIde the eggs!"

And that, little Benjamin, is where Easter comes from. Sleep tight.




On the day Jesus was crucified, Peter was in his workshop when he heard the sound of Jesus' voice calling him, "Peter...Peter..." Peter runs up to the hill and is beaten down by the Roman guards. On his way back to his home, he hears his voice again, "Peter.....Peter..". He turns and tries to climb the hill and once again he is beaten down by the Roman guards. A third time he hears the voice, "Peter...Peter..." and thrice he runs back up the hill, but this time he is able to fight his way through the guards. Beaten, bloody and half dead, Peter reaches the foot of his lord and says, "My lord I heard you calling me, what is it you wish to tell me my liege?"
Jesus says, "Peter...I can see your house from up here."


And Jay's favorite from The Crow: Jesus walks into an Inn. He hands the Inn keeper three nails and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"



See, I'd be fun at Christenings, Bar-mitzvahs, sealing ceremonies. Maybe I should pimp myself out for that type of thing.