Open Letter.....

It has become obvious with the complete lack of success in ending the loneliness, that a self-imposed, 44 hour fast didn’t do the job. So, in an effort to offer penance, I think I need to openly and publicly offer apologies for some of my past actions. Some of you may not think this necessary because you haven’t thought about it in the eons it’s been, but I just wanted to get it off my chest. I dwell, I can’t help it. So, at any rate here it goes… (This is sort of a serious and difficult thing for me, so we should leave the “Earl” jokes at home.)

An open letter…

…To the one who came first; what can I say? I was 18. That’s no excuse and I wish I would have known how to handle it better, but we were young. I can’t apologize enough for that day. I’m pretty sure that stuck with you, I know it has with me. I’m so sorry. Maybe, in our next lifetime or plane of existence, I’ll live on your roof and you can bring me bread sometimes.

…To my first and deepest love; I’m sorry for the way I handled things and I’m sure there are things we both could have handled better. I’m sorry for not being there that day. Letting you down then has been one of the biggest regrets of my life. I know that I loved you with all of heart and the deepest part of my soul. I was angry and mostly sad that it ended. We obviously weren’t meant to be together as our paths have taken different courses. I am grateful and honored that, however briefly, they did cross and you will always be a part of the man I am today.

…To those of you who came after the first heartbreak; you tried to get close to me and love me and I just pushed you away, but only after I took what I wanted. That wasn’t fair and selfish on my part. I now know what it’s like from your side and I’m truly sorry. Some of you probably haven’t thought about it in years (for one of you, it’s pretty fresh), but I have and I’m taking this moment to offer an apology.

…To the one who maybe at one time wanted to, but in the end could not; I’m sorry I put you in a no-win situation. If you say yes, then it’s, “I thought she couldn’t or wouldn’t…” and when you said no, “Well, then why did she..” I knew what I was getting into and knew better. I knew I could never give you what you wanted. I don’t regret anything nor should you. I enjoyed our moments together and I’m sure we both learned and took something away from them. I was posting your poems in some sort of effort to take them back and give them away, but I’m not going to do that. They’re yours, you keep them. Know that I meant every word, even the birthday one-especially the birthday one. We’re good.

…To the ones who didn’t make it or were never allowed to. You will never know the pain and the guilt I feel about you. My only hope is that you were put back in whatever line and sent to someone who thought there would never be a you. It was never easy. Being in that room that day, is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. Please know that you are in a better situation then we could have ever given you.

…To you all; I take solace in the fact that you have all found happiness in other, better situations. I offer you my deepest apologies with sincerity, humility and grace, too.

Thank you,

Richard